Kansas City, MO and Aether City, Void - The Kansas City Royals of Earth Major League Baseball have been extremely active in their trade deadline. On Sunday afternoon, the Royals acquired starting pitcher Johnny Cueto from the Cincinnati Reds, and on Tuesday the Royals acquired Ben Zobrist from the Oakland Athletics. Though the Royals gave up a quintet of young, talented pitchers for these players, they acquired both a legitimate ace and the most coveted bat on the market.
Sources tell us at the Aether City Space-Times Continuum that the Royals are turning to the Baseball Gods for their next acquisition and are reportedly aggressively pursuing Zeus, ruler of Mount Olympus, god of thunder, and star pitcher/second baseman for the Aether City Flying Spaghetti Monsters.
Baseball Gods PR spokeswoman Amy Crotchet discussed the situation with us. "It was surely a shock for us, as we calculated a 1738-1 chance they were done trading. But, golly gee wiz, they surpassed our expectations again." Crotchet said that reporter Rafael 'Captain' Falcon broke the story by accident, as "a temporary mini-wormhole opened up inside of Lee Judge's mouth" during a conversation with Jason Kendall, allowing Captain Falcon to listen in from his dodecahedronicle.
Shortly thereafter, negotiations began in earnest. Zeus, of course, is the most prolific home run bunter in the history of baseball anywhere, with over 9,000 BHR (bunt home runs) to his name in his illustrious career. Though some scoff at his utilization of thunder to assist carry on the ball, Zeus usually ends those conversations with a lightning bolt through the spleen.
The Flying Spaghetti Monsters were reportedly interested in Royals reliever Wade Davis. However, analysts on both sides agree that "Davis is way too good" to give up for Zeus. Without Davis, Falcon suggests that the Royals may not have enough ammo to nab Zeus from his home team.
When Royals' general manager Dayton Moore was interviewed for this story, he said that Zeus was "a great player." When asked to elaborate, Moore said that Zeus was "a great baseball player." When asked to elaborate again, Moore declined, instead offering an interpretive dance performance on the importance of bunts, electricity, demigods, and friendship, which was performed by Chris Getz and Jason Kendall.
At press time, Zeus was interrupted from his daily Greek Yogurt breakfast to be informed of the Royals' interest in him. Zeus was so disgusted that he defenestrated one reporter down from Mount Olympus and turned another one into an Eagle, who he sent to Philadelphia as punishment.