All of your major national holidays come with their own set of shared traditions. Easter has its eggs and chocolate, Christmas has presents and in-laws, Hanukkah has eight days of one present per day that is practical and was bought at a good price, the 4th of July has your uncle vomiting into a kiddie pool filled with ice and Pabst Blue RIbbon, Valentine's Day has pizza delivery and a nascent feeling that you will be alone forever.
But what are the tenets of Cueto Day? How should we celebrate this new holiday? I have spent the better part of the last fifteen minutes figuring it out for you:
- The proper greeting is Happy Cueto Day. Not Merry Cueto Day. That is reserved for the day and time at which we will be joined in blissful union with Johnny at the Crossroads chapel of our choosing.
- Unlike Festivus, there is no airing of grievances on Cueto Day. Quite the opposite is true; it is considered uncouth and a breach of etiquette to state an unnecessary negative opinion about the team that Cueto plays for, its players, managers, front office executives, or owner, presuming they do nothing wrong.
- The official Cueto Day tree is the West Indian Mahogany, native to his home Dominican Republic.
- The traditional custom of burning the Guthrie log can be both literal and symbolic. Some groups who meet on Cueto Day choose to indulge in consuming a log-shaped Baked Alaska instead, seeing as how the temperature outside can often make it unwise to start a fire in your house.
- The consumption of Cueto Punch is traditional, though Cueto Punch is a nebulous term used to describe any alcoholic beverage served on Cueto Day.
- Though many Christian institutions do not sponsor the observance of Cueto Day, others will pay homage to it on the Sunday prior by reciting Psalm 17:38: "I will pursue after my enemies, and overtake them: and I will not turn again till they are consumed."
- Regional acculturation has varied widely what is considered to be traditional Cueto Day music, however some key hymns have endured: "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, "Como Antes" by El Mayor Clasico ft. Shadow Blow, and "Deja Tu Envidia" by Vakero ft. Kunin.
- Observance of traditional Cueto Day services typically occurs at night between 6:00 and 10:00, though observations have been known to be made in the afternoon. Service times vary year to year, but will be simulcast on television for those who can not attend in person.
- Though typical Cueto Day attire has historically been colored in red and white, over the past few days a new trend of wearing various shades of blue has become en vogue.
Happy Cueto Day, everyone!