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Kansas City Royals players, as films

In the grand tradition of Royals Review presenting analogues of players as things, we give to thee Kansas City, in film form.

In the grand tradition of Royals Review presenting analogues of players as things, we give to thee Kansas City, in film form.

Joe Blanton - Excess Baggage

If it hadn't been for buggy-eyed Joe...

Drew Butera - The 13th Warrior

You think it might be good (John McTiernan! Antonio Banderas!) but it really isn't, but you seem to watch it more often than you should.

Lorenzo Cain - Chinatown

A moderate success at release, it exploded in popularity and became recognized as one of the best of the New American Cinema and the pinnacle of neo noir.

Tim Collins - Simon Birch

Remember that film where Jim Carrey was the narrator/older version of a kid who befriended a classmate with a disease or something? Well, you may not remember, but it definitely still exists.

Dusty Coleman - Terminator: Salvation

More famous for what happened during the production than the film is for being, you know, good. One bad moment that may end up being the sum of its legacy.

Christian Colon - Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi,97,1209,1861_SX214_AL_.jpg

It's really not very good, and you've started to wonder just how good Star Wars really is when you can basically write off two-thirds of the franchise, but you do know this: It is decidedly not The Phantom Menace.

Johnny Cueto - 2001: A Space Odyssey

The peak of accessibility and artistic pursuit, an enigma of impeccable cinematography and implied meaning. Also fun when you're high, which pretty much makes it the perfect movie.

Cheslor Cuthbert - Star Trek Beyond (2016)

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You really have no idea what to expect. JJ Abrams isn't directing, which might be fine, because Star Trek Into Darkness wasn't all that good, but the guy who is taking over the chair is most famous for directing four of the seven Fast & Furious films.

Would you like Fast & Furious in space? Maybe. Couldn't be worse than Star Trek: The Motion Picture, right?

Wade Davis - The Terminator


Danny Duffy - Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (or Bogus Journey)

The first is a hilarious film about 80's teenage culture traveling through history. The second is a moderately funny film about 80's teenage culture dying at the advent of a new decade. Both are pretty gnar, to varying degrees.

Jarrod Dyson - Catch Me If You Can

Does one thing really well, does a few other things at an average to meh volume, is better than pretty much every other Spielberg entry of the past decade-plus, but you can never seem to make enough time for it.

Alcides Escobar - Unbreakable

M. Night Shyamalan's best film about the duality of good and evil that is somewhat mitigated by bunting on a Hollywood ending.

Brandon Finnegan - Blue Ruin

Mistakes were made, and no one will get out alive.

Alex Gordon - Casablanca

Considered by critics and diehards to be the best at what it does, but rarely comes up in conversation among the casual set who favor flashier, newer products.

Terrance Gore - 2 Fast 2 Furious

It's all right there in the title.

Jeremy Guthrie - Batman & Robin

You can probably remember a time when you enjoyed this movie. Then you grew up.

Kelvin Herrera - Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia

Though people will often turn to Peckinpah's other directorial efforts (Straw Dogs, The Wild Bunch), it would be foolhardy to forget his 1974 feature.

Luke Hochevar - Blade Runner

Became a classic much longer after its release, after several different cuts and re-edits made it the film it was always meant to be.

Greg Holland - The World's End

At this point, you kind of know what Edgar Wright is up to, and you really enjoy Edgar Wright, but you might be starting to think that every film, though still very good, isn't quite as good as the one before it.

Eric Hosmer - American Hustle

Pretty good film. Probably not as great as everyone said it was. There's a reason why it was nominated for ten Academy Awards and didn't win any of them. Still. Pretty good.

Omar Infante - Waterworld

Some metaphors are too perfect for words.

Ryan Madson - Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Neo noir from 2005 responsible for reviving Robert Downey Jr.'s career.

Kris Medlen - Die Hard

Yippee ki yay, Mister Falcon.

Franklin Morales - Snowpiercer

I can try and explain why it's good, but at the end of the day Chris Evans cries because he ate babies, so your mileage may vary.

Kendrys Morales - The Seventh Seal

Antonius Block: I want knowledge! Not faith, not assumptions, but knowledge. I want God to stretch out His hand, uncover His face and speak to me.
: But He remains silent.
Antonius Block
: I call out to Him in the Darkness. But it's as if no one was there.
: Perhaps there isn't anyone.
Antonius Block
: Then life is a preposterous horror. No man can live faced with Death, knowing everything's nothingness.
: Most people think neither of death nor nothingness.
Antonius Block
: But one day you stand at the edge of life and face Darkness.
: That day.
Antonius Block
: I understand what you mean.

Mike Moustakas - I Am Legend

The film's initial reputation suffered from an ending altered by the studio, but it gained new life post-cinema when the original ending was included. Still probably not great, but is now serviceable.

Paulo Orlando - Apollo 13

Was pretty great when it came out, but its value has faded the further we move into the future.

Salvador Perez - Guardians of the Galaxy

A majority of people love the shit out of it, despite the fact that it really isn't very good, compared to other Marvel films.

Yohan Pino - The Cable Guy

Pretty okay in spurts. For a Jim Carrey fix, it is not exactly anyone's first choice. Or second choice. Was purchased from the five dollar bin because you thought you might re-watch it at some point, but you usually end up just watching your favorite scenes on YouTube instead.

Alex Rios - Congo

It's not very good, but to hear people talk about it you would think that the film came out of the bushes and bludgeoned their dog.

Jason Vargas -Napoleon Dynamite

You know what's a movie I remember enjoying? Napoleon Dynamite. You know what's a movie that I don't get excited about, but wouldn't shrug off if someone wanted to watch it? Napoleon Dynamite. Fairly memorable, but easily forgettable.

Yordano Ventura - There Will Be Blood

Dense, tough to get into, impeccable from a cinematic standpoint, much better than its results.

Edinson Volquez - Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas

Don't try and explain it, just sit back and enjoy Terry Gilliam's fever dream mixed with Hunter S. Thompson's acid trip.

Chris Young - The Illusionist

A film that is pretty good, but won't live up to the reputation of its peers, despite being better in certain ways.

Ben Zobrist - Richard Donner's Superman II

Kneel before Zob. And not the theatrical cut, the Donner re-cut.