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Royals feed you a hearty meal, destroy Tigers 12-1

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A meal full of deliciousness.

Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

This game was a hot mess. It oozed gooey goodness, like melted chocolate all over your fingertips. Or like hollandaise sauce mixing with the exploding liquid yolk in eggs benedict (Go to Stanley in New Orleans for their Breaux Bridge Benedict).

It started off, like other games have, with Yordano Ventura plunking a guy in the back. It was a fastball that looked like it got away from him; the pitch just ran and ran and ran armside until it hit Ian Kinsler. Obviously, the Tigers weren't too pleased with that, so Randy Wolf retaliated by hitting Salvador Perez on his elbow pad. The benches were warned afterward. Surprisingly, the ejection ended up occurring not because of another plunking, but because Miguel Cabrera argued a called third strike well after the play was over.

That covers the "annoying" stuff. The garnish. Those random, non-descript vegetables you never eat because you're not 100% sure they're edible or not. Let's get to the ooze.

The explosion of flavor in your mouth began with Ben Zobrist in the first inning. On a 67 mph slow curveball, the fifth pitch of the game, Zobrist took Wolf deep to the Royals bullpen. The delectable second bite, the second inning, continued tickling your taste buds. Kendrys Morales singled to lead off the inning, and Jonny Gomes followed with a double (his first hit as a Royal). The aforementioned Perez HBP preceded a Cheslor Cuthbert single, which brought in Morales and Gomes.

The third bite was when it really hit you that this was going to be something delicious. Lorenzo Cain, leading off, used a sledgehammer (or a bat, I'm not sure what he wields) to pound flavor into your face. He crushed a ball that was shown to land in the grass beyond the Maytag $1 million thing, but I'm not sure the ball has landed yet. This is the thing that lingers after you finish your meal.

With the third bite showing you how delicious this would be, you could no longer stand for pageantry. Throwing away your silverware, you began devouring the meal (indeed with two outs). In the fourth inning, Paulo Orlando doubled, Zobrist walked, and Cain doubled to bring in two more runs. Eric Hosmer followed Cain's double with a walk, which brought up Morales. Batting left-handed against a guy named Guido Knudson (really?), Morales slugged a three-run home run to center field. At this point, it's 9-0 Royals.

Not satiated by the previous inning's feast, you had to have more. Luckily, the Royals had more to give. Perez led off the bottom of the fifth with a walk (!), which was followed by Cheslor Cuthbert's first major league dinger. It was a line drive that stayed just fair in left field.

I'm not sure I've seen such smiles recently such as those displayed by Cuthbert's teammates in the dugout after his dinger. I'd be smiling too if I were eating pure happiness, which is apparently what this game was all about.

After Cuthbert's homer, Paulo Triplo Orlando got a triple. Alcides Escobar brought him home with a single. That made it 12-0 Royals.

I'm not going to sit here and ignore the other plate next to the gooey goodness - Yordano Ventura's performance. Yes he hit a guy and had a wild pitch, but he threw seven innings, allowed one run on a triple and a groundout, and got 11 strikeouts. He was pretty awesome.

Franklin Morales pitched a scoreless eighth, and Scott Alexander came on to finish the ninth. Alexander, drafted in 2010 and part of the September call-up brigade, has spent his whole career with the Royals and only as a reliever since 2013. Alexander pitched a 1-2-3 ninth to finish off the meal.

How can you eat dessert after a game like this? You can't. You're full.