Last week, Newsday issued an article citing numerous "industry sources" stating that the World Series Champion Royals were going to retaliate against the New York Mets and star pitcher Noah Syndergaard for the up-and-in opening pitch against Alcides Escobar to start Game 3 of the 2015 World Series. When no such retaliation happened, you may expect that Newsday would keep a low profile or even issue an apology to the Royals. However, like a drunk blackjack player who is experiencing a 10 hour losing session, Newsday has decided to double down on the prediction that the Royals will seek retaliation, this time against the Minnesota Twins who open a weekend series against the Royals on Friday. Olson Freezemyassoff, a beat writer following the Twins, reported to Newsday that both "industry sources" and now, actual quotes from various individuals associated with the Royals, DEFINITELY shows that the Twins should not dig in vary much against Royals hurlers this weekend.
1. The Snub of Harmon Killebrew
The Royals and Twins have had a number of players wear both their respective jerseys over the years, including Gary Gaetti and Ervin Santana. The most famous player that wore both uniforms was Hall of Famer Harmon "The Killer" Killebrew.
The Killer played 21 seasons and amassed 573 homeruns, twenty of those seasons being with the Minnesota Twins and their predecessors the Washington Senators. In 1975, Harmon was signed by the Royals and was used primarily as a DH, batting .199 and hitting 14 homeruns (and contributing -0.1 WAR for you cellar dwellers out there). Upon being elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1984, Killebrew decided to go in as a Twin and not as a Royal. This has been designated "The Snub" by the Royals organization.
In a Kansas City Star article just after being hired as general manager, Dayton Moore is quoted as saying:
When I was growing up, Harmon Killebrew was my favorite player when I started following the Royals in 1975. I cried like a baby when he went into the Hall of Fame as a Twin and not as a Royal. Part of The Process will be to rectify this horrible injustice.
Freezemyassoff theorizes that since Mr. Moore does not have the power to change the statute of The Killer in the Hall of Fame, that he will order Royals pitchers to knock everyone down (except for Joe Mauer due to his hair) so that The Process will be complete.
2. The Snubbing of Dayton Moore**
In the recent book by Dayton Moore "More Than a Season," Dayton talks extensively about his faith and his goals for the Royals organization that led to the their 2015 World Championship. Freezemyassoff, during the winter season which lasts from September 21 to September 2 in Minnesota, was able to find a first draft of the book which contains the following tidbit which was not included in the final version
It was the summer of 1987 and I had just turned 20. While I may have been "too old" to drag Douglas, a street in Wichita where many teenagers would show off their muscle cars and attempt to "hook up," in my 1979 Camaro Z-28 with t-tops and a booming speaker, I had no plans to quit doing so (until I found God). I had four Bartles & James winecoolers and picked up my girlfriend Charity Scasselliti, a senior at Bishop Carroll in Wichita.
After dragging Douglas and getting Charity tipsy, I decided to make my move. My friend had always told me to play the first side of Led Zepplin IV to get lucky, so like signing Yuni Betancourt twice, I had done that twice to get some fresh Catholic booty. Since that didn't work, I decided to go with Billy Joel "Only the Good Die Young."
Everything was preceding as planned, but just as I was going just as far as she would let me go (reminder to self, have Big and Rich play at Faith and Family Day), she yelled stop. She said that she had a crush on Sal Butera, the Minnesota Twins catcher, and that even though I was a fine baseball player, she was ending our relationship in the hopes of moving to the Twin Cities and finding and marrying Sal.. Dejected, I dropped Charity off and made a solemn vow.: (1) the Twins would pay dearly, and, (2) if Sal ever had a son, I would sign his offspring and make him pick splinters from his ass sitting on the bench.
3. The Minnesota Twins Fans
Every year, like a methamphetamine addict out of rehab, the Twins fans (if the snow is less than 2 feet deep), start walking down the interstate to take in the pleasures of Kauffman Stadium when the Twins play the Royals. Freezemyassoff called up Kansas City Mayor Sly James to talk about the Twins fans. While the phone conversation was not recorded and Freezemyassoff had just been ice fishing with a case of Molson beer, the following quotes are attributed to Mayor James:
Everyone thinks we welcome Twins fans due to their kindness and ability to spend money at our local restaurants and the hotels. Nothing is further from the truth. Those @****!! fans are like the g@!@!!!ed herd of zombies from the Walking Dead. You can't get anything to drink or find a hotel room due to these "kind" fans.
I've informed Mr. Glass that if retaliation is not made (except against Joe Mauer for his incredible hair), that there would be no more tax incentives for remodeling at Kauffman Stadium and the lease would not be renewed. If Glass does not come through, I've asked the city attorney to see if we can shoot any f@@!!!ng Minnesotan on sight or if I can take my mother@@***!! bat named "Lucille" to their frozen asses. An exception would be to Josh Duggan of Royals Review, who I believe is no longer in that f**king frozen hellhole, due to his excellent game threads and overthrow girls.
You think I care if you report this, you dumb @@!!! Freezemyassoff? People from Minnesota are not my constituents and there is a huge Donald Trump following here who, according to my advisors Rick, Daryl, Michonne and Carl, will like my comments.
4. Noah Syndergaard is from Minnesota.
Just like the previous article, Freezemyassoff was not able to verify this, but "industry sources" think that Noah's uncle played left tackle for Bud Grant's Purple People Eaters Vikings from 1973 through 1978, so Noah must be from Minnesota and, thus, Minnesota will pay the price for Thor's transgressions.
Just in case no retaliation transpires, Newsday is seeking "industry sources" from Houston to talk about possible retaliation in the next series. Everyone, except former Enron employees, can apply.
** This 1987 event may be from the author's own memory and the name of the girl has been changed to prevent embarrassment and a possible libel suit.