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Baseball Gods to rain barbecue sauce to help Royals in next road game

The Gods have finally found a solution.

John Rieger-USA TODAY Sports

Aether City, Void - After months of watching the Kansas City Royals play terrible baseball on the roads, the Baseball Gods, led by Kansas City Team Manager Arthur Dennings, finally brainstormed some ways to help the Royals out on the road.

"They've just been so bad away from Kauffman Stadium," Dennings lamented, carefully sidestepping Aslan chasing a cosmic mouse. "Clearly, they are a talented team, and we've helped them to the highest rungs of the temporal baseball ladder, but this is just frustrating to me." Dennings explained to reporters that they even checked with Sarah Swordfire, newly elected deity of home/road splits, and she had not been changing anything. Swordfire herself was very confused as well. "This is just so weird," she told reporters. "Maybe the Royals think they are in a different year? Is that even possible for temporal beings?" Swordfire trailed off, watching Prince solo on his purple fusion guitar.

Dennings decided that enough was enough after the Royals dropped two games to the New York Mets in their ballpark. After a thorough search of all worthy deities, Dennings put together a think tank of himself, Swordfire, Zeus (the once-rumored trade target for Kansas City), Carl the Prospect God, David Bowie, PR spokesgod Amy Crotchet, and Yankees Team Manager Harbinger.

Reportedly, it was one hell of a meeting. "It was one hell of a meeting," Dennings admitted, running a hand through his natural lilac hair. "We all had different ideas, but we came up with a pretty ingenious, if non-standard, idea to help." Dennings reached into his leather jacket and pulled out a recorder, and he cued up the moment of eureka:

Harbinger: We should assume direct control.

Dennings: For the last time, we are not assuming direct control. Why are you even here?

Harbinger: Direct intervention is necessary.

Dennings: Ugh, fine. Anybody else?

Crotchet: What if we...transport the Kauffman Stadium parking lots?

Swordfire: Too risky. Those parking lots are powerful.

Carl: Is it too late to trade Clint Robinson?

Everybody, in unison: Yes, Carl.

Dennings: Ok, ok. Let's approach this from another angle. What is Kansas City known for?

Zeus: Storms!

Crotchet: Being in Missouri!

Swordfire: Fountains!

Bowie: Barbecue sauce.

Everybody, in unison: Ooohhhhhh.

Dennings excitedly told reporters their plan: in the next away game, the Baseball Gods would rain barbecue sauce down to give the Royals a boost.

"This can't possibly go wrong," an excited Crotchet exclaimed, her mandibles clicking in joy. "Everybody in Kansas City loves barbecue sauce, and it contains many important nutrients and energy for the temporal life forms on Earth. "We are working with Poseidon to develop the best sauce distribution system that will allow for maximum effectiveness."

Poseidon could not be reached for comment, but one of his representatives relayed that he thought it was a "idiotic" idea, and that the rest of the Baseball Gods were all idiots.

At press time, the Dennings-led think tank was finalizing what version of barbecue sauce was going to be used. Carl suggested Famous Dave's, but eventually cooler heads won out and KC Masterpiece was chosen.