The dongiest dongfest of them all starts tonight at 7:00 PM. Men, women, and children alike will “oooo” and “aaaah” at dongs hung with arresting majesty. These new, juiced balls will make for a really dongy Home Run Derby.
This year’s participants will be:
- Mark Trumbo, who will be played by Bryan Cranston in the film adaptation of tonight’s festivities
- Todd Frazier, who does not know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
- Adam Duvall, who we may or may not remember was a real baseball player in three years
- Robinson Cano, who hates Billy Butler and Kansas City
- Giancarlo Stanton, who will be played by Mike Stanton in the movie
- Wil Myers, who won the James Shields trade
- Carlos Gonzalez, who is set to co-star in a buddy-cop flick with Carlos Gomez entitled Dos CarGos
- Corey Seager, who just celebrated his 16th birthday
Trumbo faces off against Seager in the first round. Frazier will duel with Gonzalez. Duvall dukes it out with Myers. Cano and Stanton square off to finish the first round.