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Chicago Pale Hoes series preview

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MLB: Kansas City Royals at Chicago White Sox David Banks-USA TODAY Sports

The World Champion Kansas City Royals look increasingly unlikely to retain that status as they come out of a four-game sweep at the hands of the lowly Oakland Athletics. With another four-game series against a sub-.500 team facing them, the opportunity to make up ground in the Wild Card race theoretically presents itself, though the six games that they would have to make up to catch either Toronto or Baltimore render any such hope foolhardy at best.

*All stats courtesy of FanGraphs and Baseball-Reference

Game One: Friday, 7:15 PM CDT

Pitcher G IP K BB ERA FIP xFIP SIERA fWAR rWAR
Chris Sale (L) 28 201.2 205 43 3.03 3.43 3.62 3.50 4.8 5.3
Ian Kennedy 29 171.1 166 56 3.62 4.73 4.58 4.15 1.4 3.5

After their running afoul of the law in Ghent and losing Ballgag to a freak auto-erotic asphixiation accident in New Zealand, Swedish Sex Dungeon’s relocation to Detroit led the remaining members down the dark path through neighboring Windsor’s sex work scene and the drugs that came in tow. With a storied history of PCP use and trafficking already chasing them from mainland Europe, SSD’s members began chasing the dragon and then shooing the dragon away with rail after rail of designer amphetamines. The band’s once cheeky name serving as an unwitting harbinger for what was to come, their penchant for depravity proved to be their undoing in a predictable fashion.

Game Two: Saturday, 6:15 PM CDT

Pitcher G IP K BB ERA FIP xFIP SIERA fWAR rWAR
Miguel Gonzalez 21 115.1 86 35 3.82 3.79 4.59 4.61 2.2 1.6
Jason Vargas 0 0 0 0 - - - - 0.0 0.0

In the throes of a month-long opiate- and amphetamine-fueled bacchanalia, Terrorbithia, second drummer Mal Mordor, and Steve starved to death while bound and forgotten about in a Canadian sex dungeon. The Ambassador Bridge looming as a constant reminder of the loss of three-sevenths of the band, the indomitable now-quartet moved once again, this time to Montreal.

Game Three: Sunday, 1:15 PM CDT

Pitcher G IP K BB ERA FIP xFIP SIERA fWAR rWAR
Jose Quintana (L) 29 192.0 171 42 3.05 3.43 3.94 3.88 4.7 5.0
Danny Duffy (L) 39 162.2 173 34 3.15 3.53 3.75 3.41 3.1 4.2

In an attempt to outrun their tawdry past, Swedish Sex Dungeon holed up in the studio, recording their most ambitious release to that point, Expos Yourself. This was SSD’s game-changer. A curious public came flocking to the album, and they followed with a morbid curiosity to their shows. Underground clubs proved too small to hold them. Their performances began to come into focus, the self-destructive on-stage implosions a thing of the past. Losing four bandmembers in two chaotic years to sexually-related accidents was the wake-up call that Tor Mentor, Mork D, Mate Gourd, and Fletch F. Letch needed. Mate Gourd legally changed his name to Thisisfor Ballgag.

Game Four: Monday, 1:15 PM CDT

Pitcher G IP K BB ERA FIP xFIP SIERA fWAR rWAR
Carlos Rodon (L) 25 147.0 143 47 4.04 4.03 4.00 4.03 2.5 1.3
Yordano Ventura 29 167.0 125 72 4.42 4.70 4.67 4.81 1.2 1.5

Expos Yourself gave way to their rock opera Starvation Nation. While stodgier critics felt there was a bit of bloat, the scope played to their increasing popularity and their theatrics were starting to reach for the stars. A frank exploration into the deaths of Terrorbithia, Mal Mordor, and Steve, the performances featured the mummified remains of the fallen trio. Fans also routinely related stories of seeing the ghost of Ballgag - belt hanging from his neck - at shows, particularly on the Asian leg of their world tour.

The Batsmen

Name Pos PA HR R RBI SB BA OBP SLG wOBA wRC+ fWAR rWAR
Adam Eaton (L) CF 654 13 84 55 12 .285 .366 .431 .346 115 5.9 5.9
Tim Anderson SS 364 7 48 25 10 .280 .302 .410 .305 87 1.6 1.9
Melky Cabrera (S) LF 579 10 61 71 2 .297 .347 .441 .338 110 1.4 2.1
Jose Abreu 1B 628 24 61 95 0 .299 .352 .482 .352 120 1.6 2.7
Justin Morneau (L) DH 183 5 13 22 0 .256 .295 .430 .307 89 -0.2 0.1
Todd Frazier 3B 600 36 76 90 11 .214 .297 .449 .318 96 1.6 2.7
Avisail Garcia RF 412 11 55 46 4 .249 .308 .385 .302 85 0.0 0.9
Omar Narvaez (L) C 90 0 11 6 0 .263 .367 .316 .307 88 0.1 0.3
Tyler Saladino 2B 306 8 33 38 11 .281 .316 .414 .314 94 1.2 1.7
Bench Pos PA HR R RBI SB BA OBP SLG wOBA wRC+ fWAR rWAR
Alex Avila (L) C 181 6 16 9 0 .221 .354 .383 .328 103 0.9 0.9
Kevan Smith C 8 0 1 0 0 .000 .000 .000 .000 -100 -0.2 -0.1
Leury Garcia (S) IF 3 0 1 0 1 .000 .000 .000 .000 -100 0.0 -0.0
Carlos Sanchez (S) IF 109 0 9 10 0 .186 .224 .265 .215 26 -0.6 -0.4
Jason Coats OF 48 1 7 3 1 .200 .319 .350 .301 84 0.2 0.4
J.B. Shuck (L) OF 232 4 23 14 3 .209 .253 .307 .246 47 -1.5 -1.6

*Stats through Thursday, September 15

Their new level of fame seemed to agree with Swedish Sex Dungeon. Mork D and added third drummer for Starvation Nation Stevia Plantain entered into a polyamorous marriage that suited the both of them. Tor Mentor reconnected with his father, the standing Prime Minister of Poland.

While things were coming up roses for Swedish Sex Dungeon, they were just in the eye of the storm.

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