The best worst fan of the year

Majore League Baseball is running a best fan poll on their website for each team, for the purpose of celebrating "the whole reason we play the game -- you." The eSurance Fan of the Year voting for each team ends today, and the Kansas City Royals nominees include Superfan Chris Coats and the bouncing bellymaster Jimmy Fasseler.

That's great. But you know what isn't great? Terrible fans. And they are legion.

You know the people of which we speak. You hate hanging around them, and you avoid them whenever you can. They are a blight upon the good name of Royals baseball.

So let's show our support, er, 'support' for these types of fans by voting for the worst. Here are your candidates.

Mr. All, Know It All

"Man, Cheslor Cuthbert has been really great this year!"

"Um, actually, Cuthbert has barely been above replacement level, and his WPA, VORP, and WAR suggest..."

Such is the response of Mr. All, Know It All. Mr. All is very intelligent and knows everything about baseball that can possibly be known. Generally, a Mr. All is either very well-versed in either the scouting, "close-to-the-dirt" type of baseball knowledge or statistical knowledge, though it has been known for they to be versed in both disciplines.

Nobody doubts them, as their knowledge is formidable and comes with many hours of studying, watching, and sometimes playing.

But, jeez, does Mr. All have to let you know about their knowledge all the time? No. Mr. All's superiority and haughtiness towards everyone else is completely unnecessary. But Mr. All thinks so. "No," his friends say, "I don't need a history lesson on the designated hitter right now." Mr. All explains anyway. It's not what he says; it's how he says it. Which is poorly.

And often.

The Pure Bandwagoner

Four years ago, the Pure Bandwagoner thought Moustakas was a type of gyro and that Lorenzo Cain was something you took for hemorrhoids. This fan had never paid attention to the Royals because LOL, ROYALS AMIRIGHT.

This fan absentmindedly turned on the Wild Card game while prepping for dinner, but then became engaged in the excitement and then the Royals won the game. They were ALL. IN.

Royals shirts! Royals hoodies! Royals bumper sticker! ALCS Champion hat! Royals gnome for the yard! The Pure Bandwagoner just lost it, and was in a state of pure bliss through this June. World Series Champs! Time for a ALCS threepeat!!!!

The Pure Bandwagoner hasn't watched a game in months, and spends their days alternatively grumbling about this "Jookim Soria guy," whoever he is, and forgetting the name of another baseball player because more pressing things like gardening and indoor skydiving are starting to grab their attention (for another few months, or until the next sports team wins playoff games).

The Grizzled Veteran

This fan is an older one, usually in at least their 50s, and the even older ones fondly remember great players with names like Pee Wee, Arky, and Hoyt. They love bunts and stolen bases, and grunt approvingly at running hard down the first base line even on a routine grounder in a blowout. They will defer to the opinion of the professional player above all else, taking their words as Law and refusing to engage in critical thinking.

To the GV (Grizzled Veteran), anything added to the baseball in the past half century is an abomination. Designated Hitter? Ruins the game. Use of statistics beyond the ones we had when the Cleveland Spiders were a thing? Ruins the game. Shifts? They ruin the game. GVs are also far and away most likely to say things like, "those Latino players just don't play the game the right way," "I remember when blacks weren't even in the game," "Polk Points are a great way to evaluate baseball players," or "I think building a wall across the US/Mexico border is a good idea."

If the GV would be nice about it, that would be one thing. They aren't. They know that you're wrong if you disagree with them, and they will let you know it.

The Fan Who Cannot Deal with Anything Less Than Complete Positivity

This fan loves the Royals. This fan cannot see anything wrong with anything the Royals are doing. All of the Royals' players are awesome, and though this fan can't for the life of them tell why they aren't doing so good this year, it's probably because they just are so happy from being champions. They'll get 'em next year! This is known as The Bubble.

The Fan Who Cannot Deal with Anything Less than Complete Positivity reacts strongly and instantly at anything and everything puncturing The Bubble. These reactions include yelling at people, sticking their head in the sand even further, sending angry emails to bloggers' personal emails, and accusing everybody who disagrees with them to not be a "real fan."

BROOOOOOO

Baseball is just so gnarly, bro. It's just so...bro, ya know? Like when Hosmer hits the ball and it's like, "see you later dude!" Aw man, it's just the [poop].

I went to the K the other day and well, brostradamus, would you believe that I had SEVEN Miller Lights? [Heck] yeah! You know it! I was so crunk but, like, I didn't care. I think the Royals won? Who were we even playing, anyway? Hey man, whatevs. Actually, I think I tripped down the stairs and knocked a kid on the noggin on the way down. That totally wasn't cool. On second thought, you know what? [Screw] that [jerk], he was being a [baby kitten].

Go Roylas, man!