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Chicago Pale Hoes series preview

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MLB: Detroit Tigers at Chicago White Sox Matt Marton-USA TODAY Sports

The World Champion Kansas City Royals have been let down lately by the thing that their success has largely been built upon, squandering a handful of leads down the stretch as they watched their playoff odds dwindle. With just 23 games remaining, the Royals’ margin for error is virtually nonexistent.

With any hopes of a berth to the postseason dematerializing into the ether, the Royals head to the South Side of Chicago to face their intradivisional foes the Pale Hoes.

*All stats courtesy of FanGraphs and Baseball-Reference

Game One: Friday, 7:10 PM CDT

Pitcher G IP K BB ERA FIP xFIP SIERA fWAR rWAR
Yordano Ventura 27 155.2 117 66 4.22 4.79 4.62 4.79 1.0 1.7
Carlos Rodon 23 136.0 129 42 3.90 4.11 4.06 4.06 2.2 1.5

Well before serving as the inspiration for much of the darker elements in Steig Larsson’s Millenium Trilogy, the depravity of Swedish Sex Dungeon touched nearly all who encountered them.

Rising from the ashes of the psycho-billy/troll metal fusion act A Femur for Your Bindle and the avant-slowcore strings and percussion ensemble i sing of Olaf rad and big, Swedish Sex Dungeon set the Ghent scene ablaze for a storied 18 months, alternating between transcendence and epic meltdowns fueled by HEAVY drug and alcohol use and an arguably adolescent infatuation with the occult. With frontman Tor Mentor and multi-instrumentalist Mork D under investigation for allegations of PCP trafficking, vampirism, and piracy, Swedish Sex Dungeon skedaddled to New Zealand in the dark of night. With their departure, mainland European music lost the greatest visionaries they had seen since Kraftwerk.

Game Two: Saturday, 6:10 PM CDT

Pitcher G IP K BB ERA FIP xFIP SIERA fWAR rWAR
Edinson Volquez 29 166.2 124 59 5.02 4.39 4.41 4.53 1.7 -0.3
James Shields 28 151.1 105 67 6.07 6.22 5.32 5.25 -1.0 -1.1

With PCP impossible to come by on the other side of the world, Tor, Mork, Fletch F. Letch, Mate Gourd, Terrorbithia, Ballgag, and Steve honed their craft on the notoriously fickle Auckland-Christchurch-Wellington-Tauranga circuit, playing to hostile or indifferent crowds. With no other choice than to shred through it, Swedish Sex Dungeon rocked so hard that there were three separate incidents in which Taurangan teens on bath salts actually had their faces melted by SSD performances, serving as the origin of that expression. With success eventually turning into complete and utter dominance and musical destruction in New Zealand, it became clear that Swedish Sex Dungeon was on a trajectory that was going to take them to bigger and better places.

Game Three: Sunday, 1:10 PM CDT

Pitcher G IP K BB ERA FIP xFIP SIERA fWAR rWAR
Ian Kennedy 28 165.1 160 52 3.76 4.80 4.60 1.2 3.0
Chris Sale 27 193.2 193 42 3.07 3.40 3.67 3.56 4.7 5.0

Just as they were outgrowing New Zealand, the heart and soul of the band, Ballgag, died in a bedroom incident that fans and family didn’t want to believe was true but had no choice to accept when ninja sex trafficking assassins were ruled out as a possible cause of death. Belt in use, in flagrante delicto all by his lonesome, Ballgag went the way of many good men before him.

With a death in the band souring Swedish Sex Dungeon on New Zealand on the whole, they had no choice but to move again.

The Batsmen

Name Pos PA HR R RBI SB BA OBP SLG wOBA wRC+ fWAR rWAR
Adam Eaton (L) CF 622 12 77 51 12 .276 .359 .411 .336 108 5.1 5.4
Tim Anderson SS 333 7 45 23 8 .286 .305 .428 .313 92 1.6 2.3
Melky Cabrera (S) LF 549 10 58 67 2 .296 .348 .444 .339 110 1.4 2.1
Jose Abreu 1B 598 23 57 88 0 .298 .349 .482 .351 118 1.4 2.6
Justin Morneau (L) DH 166 5 13 20 0 .265 .307 .445 .319 96 0.0 0.3
Todd Frazier 3B 572 35 73 86 11 .214 .297 .450 .318 96 1.6 2.7
Avisail Garcia RF 385 10 50 44 4 .245 .306 .382 .300 84 -0.1 0.6
Omar Narvaez (L) C 69 0 9 4 0 .321 .449 .375 .370 131 0.4 0.5
Tyler Saladino 2B 281 8 29 35 10 .267 .301 .401 .302 85 0.8 1.4
Bench Pos PA HR R RBI SB BA OBP SLG wOBA wRC+ fWAR rWAR
Alex Avila (L) C 174 6 16 9 0 .229 .356 .396 .333 106 1.0 1.1
Kevan Smith C 8 0 1 0 0 .000 .000 .000 .000 -100 -0.2 -0.1
Leury Garcia (S) IF 3 0 0 0 0 .000 .000 .000 .000 -100 -0.1 -0.1
Carlos Sanchez (S) IF 98 0 8 7 0 .174 .208 .239 .198 14 -0.7 -0.5
Jason Coats OF 48 1 7 3 1 .200 .319 .350 .301 84 0.2 0.4
J.B. Shuck (L) OF 231 4 22 14 2 .209 .250 .307 .244 45 -1.5 -1.6

*Stats through Wednesday, September 7

The ghost of Ballgag left amongst the Kiwis, the remaining members relocated to the mean streets of Detroit. While Wellingtonians complained of a sexually inappropriate phantasm harassing and taunting them while walking down the street, Swedish Sex Dungeon were finding comfort as Michigan immigrants. The primal influence of protopunk keystones The Stooges, MC5, and Death began to worm its way into their sound while deep cuts and B-sides began to incorporate melodies inspired by Motown and Rodriguez. Swedish Sex Dungeon refused to be tied down, at least musically.

Unfortunately, Detroit’s proximity to the temptations of Windsor would prove to get the band into further trouble.

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