The Kansas City Royals, a baseball team in Kansas City, Missouri, won the 2015 World Series. They did so through a fantastic work ethic, a great bullpen, and by collectively eating over 8,000 oranges in the weeks before that triumphant series against the New York Mets. You can never have enough Vitamin C!
In 2016, a year that no longer exists due to our arbitrary organization of time, the Royals weren’t so great. They only won 81 games, 14 fewer than the previous year, and didn’t make the playoffs. Though 81 wins is still more MLB wins than you or I have (other than you, Zack Greinke! You can’t hide your pageviews from us!), that only qualifies as a .500 record in modern-day baseball.
This year, Royals fans, who had for years endured the dual agonies of playoff-less baseball and awkwardly correcting people what state Kauffman Stadium existed in, were looking forward to General Manager Dayton Moore’s offseason wheelings and dealings.
In early December, Moore kicked things off with a trade that shook the very foundations of Royals fans’ souls, as Moore traded the sensationally outstanding closer, Wade Davis, for some Cuban guy whose name is “George” but spelled funky.
Shortly thereafter, our exclusive sources say, Moore completely forgot he was the Royals GM for an entire month.
Wheeling and dealing? More like squaring and refusing, am I right?
Reasons for Moore’s lapse in memory are only conjecture at this point - our source was thrown out of Moore’s Leawood home after accidentally revealing his hiding spot when he tried to take a cookie from the Moore family cookie jar. Our source suggested that Moore was suffering called ‘Early Onset Retirement,’ a relatively new designation for a disease where the diseased has no interest in doing any work at all and hasn’t lived long enough to collect social security income. This disease is, in some scientific circles, also referred to as ‘living.’
Moore’s next big league move was to trade Jarrod Dyson to the Seattle Mariners for a pitcher. This was done in early January, an entire month after Moore’s previous trade.
An entire month with forgetting that you’re a Major League Baseball General Manager? How embarrassing!
There is rampant speculation regarding what Moore was doing over the month, but the consensus is that Moore was either watching the X-Files rerun marathon or working on his new book, ‘Moore Than a Season,’ the sequel to the sadly punless ‘More Than a Season.’