So, who are we cheering for in the playoffs?

The playoffs start today, with the Twins playing the Yankees in the American League Wild Card (we did determine the Wild Card is a playoff game, right?). Tomorrow the Rockies take on the Diamondbacks in the National League Wild Card Game. Here is your MLB Playoff bracket:

The Royals aren’t in the post-season for a second year in a row (feels weird, doesn’t it?) but I will still be following along, as will many of you. The question is - who do we root for? Let’s look at each candidate:

Cleveland Indians

Why you should root for them: Here is a list of things that did not exist the last time the Indians won a World Series - the internet, transistor radios, the Kansas City Royals and 13 other MLB teams, my mother and father, the states of Hawaii and Alaska, the presidency of Dwight D. Eisenhower, “under God” as a phrase in the Pledge of Allegiance, the last six amendments to the Constitution, African-Americans on all but three MLB teams, Bill Murray, the Republic of India, and The Tonight Show. So, Cleveland is due.

Why you should not root for them: They’re a division rival, so there may be some bitterness from losing to them. Trevor Bauer is a jerk. Their logo, which they are slooooowly phasing out, is a hideous caricature of a Native American man, which seems ridiculous in the 21st century.

Houston Astros

Why you should root for them: Houston has never won a championship in baseball, only getting to the World Series once, in 2005. The Astros have built a young team after a long rebuild and suffered an agonizing loss to the Royals in the 2015 playoffs. It has been a rough year for Houston, with Hurricane Harvey.

Why you should not root for them: Well, Astros fans were kinda cocky when they played us. Karma.

Boston Red Sox

Why you should root for them: Jackie Bradley, Jr., Mookie Betts, and Xander Bogarts are fun, excellent homegrown players. Chris Sale may be the best pitcher in the league.

Why you should not root for them: Because Boston teams win everything and they are the worst.

New York Yankees

Why you should root for them: Aaron Judge may be the best dong-smasher in baseball.

Why you should not root for them: Duh, they’re the Yankees.

Minnesota Twins

Why you should root for them: They are easily the worst team in the playoffs and complete underdogs. Old friend Ervin Santana is their best pitcher. Minnesotans are unbelievably nice.

Why you should not root for them: They’re a division rival who out-mediocre’d us to make the playoffs. That should be us getting stomped by the Yankees!

Los Angeles Dodgers

Why you should root for them: The Dodgers have a nearly three-decade absence from the World Series. Andrew Friedman is a mad scientist and it is interesting to see his experiment succeed. Clayton Kershaw may be the best pitcher of our generation and he has never pitched in a World Series.

Why you should not root for them: They spent a billion kajillion dollars to win a championship, and we should not reward such profligate spending. The World Series would be interrupted every five minutes with shots in the crowd of castmembers of the new FOX comedy Ghosted, starring Adam Scott and Craig Robinson (see, it’s like Lethal Weapon meets Ghostbusters, how can that not succeed in this era of comedy??)

Washington Nationals

Why you should root for them: The city of Washington has not experienced a World Series since FDR was in his first year as President. Bryce Harper in the spotlight would be terrific for baseball. The Racing Presidents deserves to be on national television.

Why you should not root for them: Too many members of Congress at the game, not enough doing more to help honest, hard-working Americans live the American dream, sad!

Chicago Cubs

Why you should root for them: Old friend Ben Zobrist is still there. It would make Cardinals fans very upset.

Why you should not root for them: They just won it last year, so unless you’re one of those Patriots/Warriors/Cubs/Duke basketball/Alabama football bandwagon fans, you’re probably not pulling for a repeat.

Arizona Diamondbacks

Why you should root for them: Diamondbacks pitcher Zack Greinke used to pitch for the Royals.

Why you should not root for them: Diamondbacks pitcher Zack Greinke used to pitch for the Royals.

Colorado Rockies

Why you should root for them: They have former Royals pitcher Greg Holland. Colorado has never won a World Series, and has only won a pennant once, in 2007.

Why you should not root for them: The Rockies are a team on the rise, while the Royals are rebuilding, so hearts and minds are on the line. First the Rockies take Colby, Kansas, then Hutchinson falls, pretty soon, people in Wichita are wearing purple and black. If five years from now, you’re asking me if Charlie Blackmon is coming back and if Ellis Burks was among the best players in franchise history, trace it all back to this moment.