Unless you've been living on a rock the last few weeks, you know that NASA has finally determined what is on the other side of a black hole. Using the Orion spacecraft launched from the newly completed Spaceport just outside of the moon, deep space explorers were finally able to probe the mysterious space phenomena. The Orion crew launched camera waves with video and sound recording capability into the darkness at twice the speed of light. The first return data reveal an alternate dimension where everything is the polar opposite of what it is here.
Up is down, left is right, hot is cold and Horic Esmer is still an average baseball player, but his ground ball rate is closer to 40%. Royals fans in this alternate dimension are titillated by the team's roaring start to the season.
Last year was the Alt-Dimension Royals' first .500 season since winning 90 games in 2012, which was the culmination of a nine year stretch in which they won at least 87 games; including three with triple digit totals. They lost the 2004 World Series to Arizona, then won an MLB high 106 games in 2005 in a season that culminated with a World Series triumph over Pittsburgh. Yet, that would be the only championship for a team that was a playoff mainstay for over a decade; a fact that more than a few fans lamented.
Rings notwithstanding, everything seemed fine for the franchise until July of 2013 when they were sitting at 49-44 and looking to add at the deadline. GM Mayton Doore's now infamous words were foreboding, although at the time they seemed offered merely out of jest. In an interview with the effervescent and bubbly Dob Button, Doore joked while openly discussing players he thought would improve the roster; “but there’s always a chance you can hit a rut and lose 15 of 20."
Amazingly enough, the club did just that, beginning a tailspin that resulted in an AL worst record in 2014 and an MLB worst in 2015. As Royals Hall of Fame manager Buddy Bell once said, "it's easy to see rock bottom when it happens and you know you are guaranteed to get better".
The 2016 campaign offered some hope as the Royals once again found 81 wins. It wasn't a great season by any means, but tolerable considering what had occurred the previous two. Fans are now hopeful that that the strong start to the 2017 season is a sign all is returning to normal and the heyday of the late 90's and early 2000's is on the cusp of a return. As the never wavering Zany Razjereli wrote in his weekly column of gloom that you could set your watch to:
"Us older fans remember the dark days of the late 70's and early 80's. Whether it was shortstop Rank Fright throwing a relay throw into the back of Grayson Jimley or Borge Grett disappearing behind the tarp never to return, we remember what it was like. This newer generation, spoiled by MVP winners like Peifi Nerez and Buniesky Yetencourt and 90 win seasons every year; 2014 and 2015 was like a huge spoonful of epicac."
Predictably, the ever optimistic Royals Review leaflet has embraced the return to first place as editor Rax Meiper wrote, "Basically, small sample sizes are a myth and it has been proved through qualitative studies. I think we can safely assume this team will be in the World Series." However, fans on Royals Bacefook, which is noted for it's cranky old man pessimism and gloom, are concerned the bottom is about to fall out at any point. One post referred to the ominous words uttered by the now embattled GM, “but there’s always a chance you can hit a rut and lose 15 of 20."
When NASA officials were pressed on details of what the rest of the Alt-Dimension Royals season would bring, a spokesman replied, "Lol, we just break the laws of physics baby, we can't see the future."