The Home Run Derby is a time-honored tradition in which hulking behemoths of men bust out their trustiest wood and hang majestic dong after majestic dong to the delight of men, women, and children throughout this fine nation. After all, who doesn’t love a good dong?
This year, for the first time since 1991, a Kansas City Royal will be vying for the pounding hearts of Americans. Not since Danny Tartabull’s entry into the contest in Exhibitionists’ Mecca SkyDome has a man donning the words Kansas City across his chest been chosen to compete in the Derby, which was introduced to the All-Star Game festivities in 1985. Tartabull bested his former teammate Bo Jackson’s total by one. Jackson stroked one out in 1989 at Anaheim Stadium. Tartabull hung dong twice. Unsurprisingly neither won in his year.
This year, Mike Moustakas—owner of 25 home runs at the All-Star Break, a club record at the break and just 11 back of the franchise single-season mark with 75 games to go—has been selected to compete against the likes of Giancarlo Stanton, Aaron Judge, Miguel Sanó, and Cody Bellinger.
The contest is bracketed as follows (and was pulled from this tweet, though images are not embedding from Twitter right now, so here’s the image):
As the fourth seed, Moustakas has a tough draw, and if he were to make it past Sanó, he’d quite likely have to face Giancarlo Stanton, who is nothing if not skilled at hitting baseballs really far. Stanton won last year’s derby, smashing 61 dongs in the three rounds of the contest.
The contest starts at 7:00 PM ET and will be aired on ESPN, presumably with Chris Berman as the irritating announcer.