clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The Royals have used up all the good luck in Kansas City sports, to the detriment of the Chiefs

New, 19 comments

Sorry Chiefs fans, the Royals hogged all the karma.

NFL: OCT 02 Redskins at Chiefs
Salvy mocks the team from which he stole all the playoff wins
Photo by Scott Winters/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

You may or may not have heard that Kansas City’s football team blew a big lead in an improbable way, Saturday. This marks the second time in the last four years that the Chiefs have lost a game that was basically impossible to lose; only two other teams in history have lost even one playoff game in a similar way. How could the Chiefs manage to pull this off? The Sports Gods are punishing them because of the thefts of the team across the parking lot.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “But, Hokius, The Chiefs blew their lead in 2013 and the Royals didn’t even make the playoffs until 2014!” But sources close to Eric Hosmer have just revealed that the Royals actually stole a handful of Impossible Plays from the Sports Vaults, that year. Remember this play from near the end of the 2013 season?

That was the Royals trying out their ill-gotten gains for the first time; they wanted to make sure it worked the way they expected before attempting to use it in the playoffs. The Royals were actually scheduled for a playoff berth that season, but the Athletic Deities smacked them down for their bravado and that’s why they ended up falling short.

It was only later in the winter that the Divinities of Recreation discovered that they were missing more impossible plays. It was at this point that they decided their only choice was to punish Kansas City at large. Since the Royals and Sporting weren’t playing that meant it had to happen to the Chiefs.

The Royals, of course, made the post-season finally in 2014 and had to use a most of their filched Impossible Plays just to get through the Wild Card Game.

You can tell that both the Andrew Luck fumble recovery and the Salvador Perez ground ball single were Impossible Plays easily because balls don’t normally bounce that conveniently.

The 2014 Chiefs were held out of the playoffs entirely in retribution for the Royals continued antics. In the 2015 playoffs the Royals actually only had to use three impossible plays to complete their World Series victory since they had an honestly good team, that year:

The Absolute Beings of Ball-Related-Endeavors did not want to punish the Chiefs for the transgressions of the Royals for a third straight season, so they were allowed to endure the natural consequence of their normal skill and luck; allowing them to win their first football playoff game in a generation.

However, an appeal was filed earlier this year to the Creators of Competition by the Society To Upset People Invested In Disport; Kansas City had not been punished at all, they claimed, for their latest transgression even though their cheating directly led to a title. The Definers of Defeat ultimately agreed with the appeal and thus the 2017 Chiefs were relegated to another defeat at the hands of an Impossible Play to a team that was not nearly as good as them:

The Founders of Fun also revoked the Royals playoff trip, this year, but waited until after the trade deadline in order to really drive home the point that thievery will not be tolerated. Sources also indicate that the Royals are under a 10-year ban from the playoffs, but may be paroled for good behavior if they don’t re-sign Eric Hosmer.

Also, despite what some rumors say, my sources indicate that Jeff Triplette was not payback for Don Denkinger. He was just really bad at his job.

Poll

Should the Royals officially apologize to the Chiefs for their miserable luck?

This poll is closed

  • 24%
    Yes
    (114 votes)
  • 41%
    No
    (192 votes)
  • 34%
    Only if the Chiefs agree to share custody of Patrick Mahomes
    (161 votes)
467 votes total Vote Now