FanPost

2018 Royals Merchandise Holiday Shopping Guide**

**Disclaimer - The disclosure that follows is intended to fully comply with the FTC's policy that requires I be transparent about any and all affiliate relations I may have with the links that are provided. In PLAIN ENGLISH, you, the visitor or customer should NOT I assume I get one red cent for any of this. No Jeff Bezos bucks or free subscriptions to The Athletic. No enrollment in the Jelly of the Month club or waiver of membership dues to the Mandy film Fan Club. Not even a special unique MLB promo code for me to apply on any of this stuff if I were so inclined (which I'm not). Really, I probably don't need to disclose anything, but since this guy apparently thinks he can profit off of MY shtick that's been going for 6 years or so now, I'm putting one out there anyway, solely out of spite. Merry Christmas Nathan Cunningham - let's show you how this is done for real now.

Kansas City Royals Tabletop Sign ($19.99)

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I think the Royals store was about two and a half years too late on this one - they might have sold one to the Arguelles family if they'd only been a little quicker on the trigger. Oh wait, you meant "Noel" as in "the Christmas season"? In festive powder blue with Royals branding all over it? Yeah, that makes way more sense - just plop this down on the table in front of the ham for Christmas dinner and it'll get at least three Instagram likes from other Royals fans and temporarily assuage your weird need for social media validation.

Kansas City Royals Chimney Legs Bobble Tabletop Ornament ($23.99)

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Not sure one could make the same claim for this though. Maybe at Ken Harvey's house, since this is definitely the way he would attempt to descend a chimney.

Kansas City Royals S'More In A Cup Tabletop Accessory ($19.99)

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Tabletop accessories are all the rage this year I guess, but this one just comes across like it was thrown into the bad idea blender with nary a thought or care given to the final outcome. "Believe in the season of yuletide tidings of great comfort and joy on one foggy Christmas Eve Holy Night of Glooo-ooooo-ooooo-ooooo-ria (in excelsis deo)", says the snowman marshmallow mutant wearing a Royals Santa hat who looks to be answering the question nobody asked of how holiday hot chocolate is made - right in your Royals mug.

Kansas City Royals Elf Ears Headband ($9.99)

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Maybe if you're a severe case of arrested development and inexplicably have a shot at settling down with Zooey Deschanel for wearing these, I might give you a pass if I saw you wearing this. But I'm definitely going to ask you if that's the case, and I'm going to need some verification.

Kansas City Royals Reclining Chair Ornament ($9.99)

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Just... A chair? A Royals-themed chair that you hang on your Christmas tree, in case you need your Royals Christmas decorations to be even further removed from Christmas relevancy. You know what? This is dumb; as much as I love both the Royals and the Christmas season, I have a hard time justifying any sort of crossover projects between the two - especially if the marketing department in charge isn't even going to try for a sensible idea. Let's just move on to some potential gifts.


Kansas City Royals Lokai Bracelet ($22.00)
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I almost scrolled right past this one, but I've been doing this for 6 years now and have learned that when an item's description specifically mentions the brand that's being crossed over, it's probably worth a trip to Google to research. And man, someone put some thought into this one. Here's what the Lokai marketing department came up with:

SOMETIMES YOU'RE ON TOP.
STAY HUMBLE.

The white bead is infused with water from Mt Everest,
the highest point on Earth.

Ok... And what else?

SOMETIMES YOU'VE HIT A LOW.
STAY HOPEFUL.

The black bead carries mud from the Dead Sea,
the lowest point on earth.

Water from Everest and mud for the Dead Sea? That sounds backwards, but I suppose we should grant some leniency to whoever came up with that idea because the overall concept is definitely the sort of thing that's been influenced by a strain of sativa. But anyway, THIS seems exactly like the type of well thought out gift geared towards a Royals fan (even if the Dead Sea mud bead should probably be a lot larger than the Everest one.) Maybe even a little bit too well thought out. Just please don't try to make this a conversation starter unless you're trying to see if you can give someone a cataract by making their eyes glaze over.

Kansas City Royals Growler Tote Set ($64.99)

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Good lord, they just militarized beer snobs. Why would you do this??

Kansas City Royals Small Coffee Maker ($60.00)

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You know that's going to be making some gritty coffee. BAH dum cha...

Kansas City Royals 4' Gameday Tower ($99.99)

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Not included: the $500 deductible on your car insurance when you topple a weaponized Jenga piece into your rear quarter panel during the tailgate party.

Kansas City Royals 12" x 12" Dad's Garage Sign ($14.99)

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This one makes me think there was a fight in the merchandise think tank over potentially retiring the phrase "man cave." I think it's apparent which side won, and it's equally apparent that we all lost.

Kansas City Royals 11" x 19" In This House Sign ($19.99)

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Conversely, this is what happens when the Dad from the Royals garage finally snaps and lets out a belligerent Busch Light-fueled rant about Mom's over-exuberance in placing "Live, Laugh, Love" vinyl stickers all over the rest of the house. This is the compromise, one that has a tone of trying to reassure the home occupants more than the visitors. Are you OK Mom? Mom??

Kansas City Royals Blue Utility Multi-Tool ($29.99)

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I seem to get one of these every other year from my father-in-law. You know what these things are? Fancy pliers, with a big MAYBE attached to the pocket knife. If anyone has successfully used the saw on one of these, please comment below; I have so many questions to ask.

Kansas City Royals Blue Utensil Multi-Tool ($19.99)

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Now THIS on the other hand... Well, if Willie Bloomquist was the spork, then this thing is the Whit Merrifield: it's multi-functionality could actually be useful given that it has an actual fork and spoon attached. Similarly, just as the currently constructed Royals have little to no use for a competent multi-tool baseball player, a normal human being would have little to no use for a multi-utensil that's likely not even dishwasher safe.

Kansas City Royals 6" x 36" Growth Chart Sign ($35.99)

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This is kinda cool. Seems like the right way to bring up a Royals fan.

"Here's how tall you were born and when the Royals drafted Christian Colon. And here's how tall you were when they drafted Bubba Starling. WORLD SERIES 2015! Now here's how tall you were when Kyle Zimmer's arm flew into the safety nets around the lower bowl. Finally, here's where you stopped growing at the age of 17. Someday, we'll get to commemorate Alcides Escobar's final at bat on that same mark."

Kansas City Royals Slugger Mascot BRXLZ Puzzle ($24.99)

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Would stepping on Sluggerr Legos be more or less painful than the garden variety? Let's not find out.


Men's Kansas City Royals Stance Mascot Crew Socks ($19.99)

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These probably stand on their own without requiring any commentary from me. But what I really like is that they've specified that these are MEN'S socks. I like that we as a society seem to be attempting to move past the construct of fragile masculinity, so there will be no talk of revoking one's MAN CARD here if you were to buy them. But can we just agree that these definitely don't need to be on anyone's feet, even ironically?

Men's Kansas City Royals Scuff Slide Slippers ($22.99)

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These on the other hand were definitely made for a man's feet. Upon donning them, the air in the household will fill with the aroma of Folger's coffee. A Sunday newspaper will be heard rustling. The wearer's mind will be filled with thoughts of the current condition of the lawn and the price of gasoline. A thirst that can only be quenched by a cold lager will form. Better go check that thermostat one more time.


Kansas City Royals Keychain ($9.99)

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How did this conversation go?

Merchandiser 1: Yeah, we're going to need some new keychains. Low margin, high profit stuff that is. Something we can squeeze 10 more dollars out of the consumer at the checkout line.

Merchandiser 2: So maybe just a baseball with a Kansas City logo on it?

Merchandiser 1: Sort of, I like the idea of baseball stitching on it, but something a little more provocative and without balls. Scrotal, even.

Merchandiser 2: Scrotal?

Merchandiser 1: Yeah, like a scrotum. Just a stitched up saggy, empty scrotum. With a KC logo on it.

Merchandiser 1: Order it up, I'm going on break.

Kansas City Royals Crystal Baseball ($999.99)

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I think we've all seen some ludicrously priced item in the store by now that we might entertain the notion of having and enjoying if money were of no object... But who exactly does this appeal to? A crystal ball? Is this some sort of pun?


Kansas City Royals Fanatics Authentic 2015 MLB World Series Champions Crystal Baseball with Game-Used 2015 World Series Dirt ($49.99)

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Of course I had to put a game-used dirt something in here, but this one is AUTHENTIC 2015 WORLD SERIES GAME-USED DIRT! I'm really just curious to know who has the job of authenticating dirt, and how one goes about getting to put such a title on a business card.

Tokens & Icons Kansas City Royals Game Used MLB Half Baseball Bottle Opener ($145.00)

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Now this seems pretty cool, as far as game-used authenticated blah blah stuff goes. But in practice it just seems hilarious to me. What are you gonna do, keep a $145 bottle opener in the kitchen drawer next to the spatula? Or better yet, wait for that magical moment at a game watch party where someone asks for a bottle opener, spout out an "oh-HO! Boy do I ever!" before skipping over to the memorabilia case and extracting this puppy only to return and find out the bottle-opening situation was resolved 7 minutes ago?

Kansas City Royals Jason Hammel Autographed Baseball ($104.99)

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I don't want this. You don't want this. I'm pretty confident that even Jason Hammel's immediate family members wouldn't even want this, mostly because you can tell that he has invested some serious time in mastering his John Hancock and the members of the Hammel household are probably up to their eyeballs in autographed baseballs. But man, what a pretty, symmetrical signature! You finally achieved an 80 grade in something Mr. Hammel, hats off to you.

Kansas City Royals Kauffman Stadium Fountains 5-Pack Minimalist Postcard Set ($19.99)

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It's a postcard, meaning you mail this and someone receives it that inherently has ZERO context about what they're looking at. And that person is supposed to think "Kauffman Fountains" instead of "7.62 mm NATO ammunition" or 'vertically aligned Bowser flames from World 8-4". Throw us a bone and at least put the bottom of the scoreboard in the graphic, this is worse than playing Pictionary with my 3 year old.

Kansas City Royals 15" x 18" 2015 World Series Champions Kansas State of Mind Framed Print ($44.99)

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Nothing too inspiring here, just another boring framed Royals commemorative collage, scarcely different from the fifty others in the shop and the hundreds that preceded it in years past. What's funny though is that if you scour the store like I have, you'll see this is literally the only Kansas related item in the store right now. Missouri on the other hand...

Kansas City Royals 15" x 18" Missouri State of Mind Framed Print ($44.99)

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Well of course there's a matching Missouri print. But the levels they ramp it up to from there border on obsessive and creepy.

Kansas City Royals Highland Mint 13" x 13" State Bronze Coin Photomint ($39.99)

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"Missouri!"

Ok Missouri, that's nice, we understand that the Royals play their home games in Independence, but don't you think you could acknowledge that they're kind of a regional attraction considering the dearth of teams in the flyover...

Kansas City Royals 12" State Of Mind Black Rim Wall Clock ($19.99)

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"MISSOURI!"

Yeah, Ok, I get it, it's a clock, just another kitschy way to show that the Royals play their home games in...

Kansas City Royals 11" x 19" Coordinate Sign ($19.99)

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"M - I - Z !"

Oh come on. Really? GPS coordinates now? Is that really necessary? I mean I bet even St. Louis doesn't..."

Kansas City Royals Wooden Nation Ornament ($7.99)

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"Z - O - U!"

What? Wait... Why would you make a map with just...

Men's Kansas City Royals Fanatics Branded Navy 2018 Stars & Stripes Banner State Big & Tall T-Shirt ($31.99)

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"MIZ. ZURR. RUH."

Oh for the love of..

Ok fine, you win. The Royals are "yours", Kansans can't have them, and you just made America great again. Let's just use this t-shirt to segue away from the odd Missouri tribalism section and into the t-shirt section instead, because I'm embarrassed for us both now.

Men's Kansas City Royals Royal Broad Stripes T-Shirt ($24.99)

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Now we're talking! If you want to make a statement with the shirt you're wearing, choose one that has the potential to get you Bowie-knifed if you're bold enough to wear it on the wrong side of the tracks in Grass Creek, Wyoming. It's just abrasive and inflammatory and should certainly be the uniform of choice to be worn by the just and the brave when this ageless rivalry resumes on April 8th,


Men's Kansas City Royals Cream Hardball Tie-Dye T- Shirt ($22.99)

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I dunno guys, something about this just makes me thing of a pregnant zombie extra from The Walking Dead.

Men's Kansas City Royals Royal Broad Stripes T-Shirt ($24.99)

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Can you not wear that t-shirt to the stadium, Brad? There are children around. And leave your Juul in the car.

Men's Kansas City Royals Klew Royal Team Logo Sports Suit (SALE! $49.99)

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Yes, the giant man-baby sleep suit has been featured before, but it can now be yours for 50% off (though it will still cost you 100% of your dignity.)

That's all for this year, I'm finger-gunning the Royals Review community the very happiest of holidays. Go Royals.

This FanPost was written by a member of the Royals Review community. It does not necessarily reflect the views of the editors and writers of this site.