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I am ready to play for the Royals if they are interested

Guest commentary from an equine friend.

Taunton Races Photo by Harry Trump/Getty Images

The Kansas City Royals are putting more emphasis than ever on speed and I am totally down with that. Let me introduce myself, my name is Comet and I am a very fast horse. To be specific, I am a thoroughbred, the fastest breed of horse on the planet. If anyone knows about speed, it is me. And let me tell you something, the Royals are putting together a roster than could compete at Pimlico. Terrance Gore, Billy Hamilton, Adalberto Mondesi, Whit Merrifield, and don’t overlook guys like Chris Owings, Brian Goodwin, and Brett Phillips.

The Royals are sure to lead the league in steals, infield hits, and plays where you just marvel at the speed being exhibited. And this will directly lead to runs. A bunt single, following by a stolen base, followed by a groundball to the right side to advance the runner, capped off by a sacrifice fly is an easy sequence of events that can lead to a run.


Sure, speed has never mattered less in baseball, with home runs flying out of the ballpark. Teams are now able to wipe out a hard-fought productive out-scoring run with one swing of the bat. And sure you can’t score runs without getting on base, something the Royals collection of hitters still struggles to do.

But aren’t stolen bases exciting?

That brings me to the reason I wrote this guest post (and let me tell you, typing with hooves is a CHALLENGE!) I am ready and willing to play for the Kansas City Royals if called upon.

You see, I am a very fast horse. And a very fast horse is faster than even the fastest human. Your fastest human can run about 28 mph. I can do that in a simple gallop! In a sprint, I can run up to 55 mph! You think any big league catcher is going to throw me out on the basepaths?

Okay, so I already hear the haters (horses have much better hearing than humans). “How can a horse be expected to use his speed if he can’t get on base?” “How the heck does a horse even hold a bat?” and “What happens if he poops on the field?”

First of all, that last question is just disrespectful. And a horse would hardly be the first baseball player to poop while on the field.

Second of all, YES a horse can hold a baseball bat. And be pretty darn good at it. Did you know I have bloodlines? I have family that have played ball before.

I mean, if my great-great-great-great-grandfather can hit HALL OF FAMER SANDY KOUFAX, I think I could handle the likes of Matt Boyd and Kyle Gibson.

And I wouldn’t even have to hit that much to fit in with this group of Royals speedsters. Between Hamilton, Gore, Mondesi, and Phillips, you have four guys that haven’t even topped a .300 on-base percentage for their career. You think a horse would do much worse?


Sorry, a bit of horse humor there.

Anyway, Dayton Moore, I know you’re looking for speed. I’m literally faster than anyone in baseball. And I know you have a cost-conscious team. I’m willing to play for peanuts. I mean, literally peanuts - I love eating them as a snack.

Hey, if you’re gonna go with speed, then quit horsin’ around and sign me. Have your people call my handlers. WHINNEY!!!!