Aether City, Void—In a special report by the Space Times Continuum, the Baseball Gods, the Upper Realm’s quantumprofit organization devoted to management of baseball played in the Lower Realms and elsewhere, are embarrassed by the performance of the 2018 Kansas City Royals baseball team and in total disarray about whose fault it is.
While spokesbanshee Amy Crotchet has publicly stated that “the Kansas City Royals are in a rebuilding year and were expected to not compete for a playoff spot,” the Baseball Gods are privately mortified by the total lack of anything groovy and not terrible about the Royals baseball team.
“I’m sure Arthur Dennings is doing his best,” stated Baseball Gods statistician Jill Bames about the Royals Team Manager. “But you have to wonder if something is going on behind the scenes. Because, honestly, not even Loki would convince Ned Yost to push Alcides Escobar’s consecutive games started streak north of 400. That [feces] is unnatural.”
The Continuum attempted to contact Dennings for a reaction in this piece. But after beginning a conversation near his apartment, Dennings stopped midsentence and became pale, then sprinted down the Penrose fire staircase to escape. Dennings has since refused to return any text, voice, smell, or interpretive dance messages.
Some in the Baseball Gods organization, like construction worker turned Baseball God, Hephaestus, are convinced that Dennings is purposefully driving the Royals to be as bad as godly possible. “Look, it’s simple,” said Hephaestus as he labored to forge a new limb as a last-ditch effort to save Kyle Zimmer’s arm from simply falling off once and for all. “If the team is bad, the Team Manager is probably at fault. Lots of things are complicated in the Upper and Lower Realms. A bad baseball team is not one of them.”
But others are not entirely convinced. “Something smells fishy, and it sure as hades isn’t anything Kansas City is doing, because ain’t no fish anywhere near that stadium,” rumbled the serpent giant Jörmungandr. “Clearly, someone else is getting revenge for their 2014-2015 run. If you remember, at the time, the Baseball Gods were professionally peeved at Dennings’ success with the club.” When asked who he thought was the culprit, Jörmungandr lowered his humongous head, looked left and right, blinked his inner eyelids and seriously thundered, only slightly less deafeningly, “Aliens.”
There are many theories to why the Royals are so bad in 2018, but the Continuum was unable to get to the bottom of the mystery. At press time, Crotchet was found at a local bar, and muttered “Oh sweet Jesus not again” as Burch Smith blew another late inning lead for Kansas City.