Hello and welcome to the class! I know many of you are just here to be silly but this class is already over-full with a massive waiting list so if you aren’t going to take this class seriously I urge you to drop it ASAP so I can get some other students in here who really want to be here.
I am, of course, Professor Hokius, and this is Introduction to My Little Pony. This show has long been considered only for small children, especially girls, despite the prevalence of “Bronie” culture. In this class, we’re going to investigate why that is, what we can do about it, and whether we should.
Since today is an introductory class let’s just talk a little bit about the structure of the franchise. The show is rebooted every few years with most of the same ponies in new environments and scenarios. The main ponies, of course, are Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack. A lot of people don’t like Applejack. It’s really too bad as she honestly has absolutely nothing to do with the cereal that doesn’t taste like apples or Jack.
Hmm? What’s that? You came here for a baseball game recap? A Royals game recap? Are...are people seriously still watching them? You know they’re atrocious this year, right? Borderline unwatchable. You’re going to demand your money back if I don’t give you the recap?
OK, OK. Fine. Geez.
So, uh. It looks like the Royals lost again. Shocker! Alex Gordon had a 2-RBI single in the third inning. That gave the Royals a short-lived 2-1 lead. Burch Smith had another sub-par start. He went five innings striking out only four and he allowed a pair of home runs - one each to corner outfielders Eddie Rosario and Max Kepler. The runs raised Burch’s ERA to 6.41.
Listen, are you sure you wouldn’t rather hear about the ponies? You are? Fiiiiiiiiiine.
Glenn Sparkman relieved Burch Smith in the sixth inning with two runners on. Sparkman, who has spent his entire career as a starter, predictably allowed both of them to score. Then he gave up a two-run home run to Logan Morrison in the seventh. All three outs he got in the inning were by way of strikeout. He probably would’ve given up more runs but Jake Cave’s double into left-center bounced over the wall which prevented both Cave and Kepler, who had walked earlier in the inning, from advancing an additional base.
This is seriously depressing, y’all. Maybe we could just talk about Kingdom Hearts if you’re so opposed to My Little Pony? Ugh. How do you even sleep at night?
The highlight of the night may have been when the production crew gave us a view of the bullpen and we could see a pitcher leave the restroom still buttoning up his pants. Oh, hey! Here’s some good news! Jason Adam still has filthy, filthy stuff.
The final score was 8-2 Twins. The Twins will go for the sweep tomorrow when former Royal Ervin Santana faces off against guy-who-has-the-name-pronounced-the-same-as-a-minor-league-Twins-pitcher Danny Duffy.