What can arguably be called a baseball game will take place tonight. The very bad Chicago White Socks will venture into the gaping, fetid maw of a defanged, dentureless beast to face the even worse Kansas City Royals. This is the stuff of folk lore—the dark kind in which children are cooked alive and everyone’s wishes come true in the worst possible iteration.
The Pale Hoes will look like this, with Lucas “Twin Peaks” Giolito hurling balls:
The Royals, with Jakey Boy Junis tossing lacey orbs, this:
Hold your loved ones close to you.