Hey there Royals Review, it's been awhile. For those that don't know, I am an ex-writers who was fortunate enough to have a byline here, but it's been about five years since I posted anything. It's been so long that I am actually totally locked out of my original Vox Media account and had to create a new one, so you will just have to trust that it's me and not some impersonator who's plan to world domination starts with blog readers as his power base.
I had a bolt of inspiration recently to check in with our old friend Mitch Maier, whose letters from summer camp helped keep us all sane during the lean years. I told my friend, a fellow RR reader, about the idea and he suggested that I write Mitch as a surly teen now, since it's been seven(!) years since we last heard from MITCH and he's no longer an innocent child, but a know-it-all teenager with parents that keep sending him back to summer camp, but now as a camp counselor (first base coach) instead of a "Blue Crew" member.
The original Mitch Maier letters were created by Will McDonald, aka Freneau, and "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness," so all credit for this brilliant idea should go to him. The following is my best attempt at capturing even a shadow of what made those articles so special.
Dearest Jonathan and Linda,
The shrink you two force me to go to says *old lady voice* "You really should write those letters home again Mitchell. You are able to convey your feelings and express yourself to your parents through the written word much better than in person." *end old lady voice* Maybe I would be better at ‘expressing myself in person' if my dearest parents didn't force me to come back to be a Camp Counselor for the second year in a row after I told you, begged you not to send me back. But like the great YNW Melly says "When I'm all alone in my jail cell, I tend to get in my feelings." So I guess letter writing it is.
The camp has been depressed, like Deji fans after he lost to Jake Paul, since news broke that Salvy would have to go home early and won't be back for the rest of the year. Salvy has been coming to camp since I was in the "Blue Crew," and all the other campers and counselors LOVE LOVE LOOOOOVE him. He was a big part of the "Glory Years at Camp Royal," which conveniently started after I stopped coming and are now over that I'm a counselor. I'm sure it's just a coincidence though (insert emoji with the guy looking off in the distance and holding his chin, honestly, how did you people communicate before emojis). I saw Ned give him a big hug when his mom came to pick him up, even saw a few tears run down his cheek. I don't think Ned even acknowledged me when I told him I was going to go to Boston summer camp a few years back. What wonderful people I get to spend another summer with thanks to my adoring parents who definitely don't just want me out of their way!
But I will also miss Salvy. I had one game last year where I actually got the kids to stop picking the grass and stand where they were supposed to, and Jorge ended up making a great catch because he was focused and not dabbing in the outfield. We won the game and afterwards, Salvy came and poured the Gatorade over me! He flashed me his toothy grin and said "You won that one for us today Mitch, here's to the Glory Years!" I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had never had a Gatorade bath when I was in the Blue Crew, not even after I did such a good job pitching. You guys really should have made me be a pitcher when I was younger, thanks for that.
Martin is the new kid who showed up after Salvy left. He seems okay, but keeps telling one really annoying story. "One time, I hit the ball sooo hard that the cover came flying off!" All the Blue Crew kids are really impressed by that, calling him "Muscles Martin" and asking him to flex his biceps over and over again. Whatever, I bet it wasn't that cool when he hit the cover off the ball, nothing like pitching a scoreless inning, which I did twice. Maybe I can find what happened on Youtube and show the kids it wasn't that awesome.
I know I got into a lot of trouble this winter, which I have apologized for, but do you think you guys could turn my data back on? Pretty, pretty please? We don't always have access to WiFi and it's KILLING ME. I just need my Baby Ariel videos at all times to help keep me sane.