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Greetings travelers and welcome to your guide to the 2019 Royals roster as characters from a little cult classic show on the Home Box Office network called Game of Thrones. Per usual, I’ll be your Lord of Nonsense and guide. For starters, the premiere of its final season is this Sunday, April 14 at 8pm. Even your local Kansas City Royals are getting in on the fun hosting their very own Game of Thrones Day at the K this Sunday and giving away a sweet commemorative bobblehead. The weather forecast for the game though, is looking a little bit more like Dragonstone than King’s Landing, amirite? Annnnnnnyways, let’s get down to it.
**There are potential spoilers in this. If you haven’t watched the show, I’d advise you do so before going any further. Also if you haven’t watched the show, you’re not going to get these references so what’s the point really?**
**To enhance your experience, I’ve taught myself how to photoshop pictures. In doing so, the quality is poor, I know, but I’ve created some...cursed...images in this project. I’m both sorry and also not at all sorry.**
The small council of Westoros
Dayton Moore/The High Sparrow
Dayton and the High Sparrow are both deeply religious, some argue to a fault. They’ve made their way to a high standing in their respective environments by holding on to their ideals and beliefs tightly. The only way they will ever be gone is if someone above them blows it all up.
Ned Yost/Cersei Lannister
She keeps her inner circle close and relies on gut feelings and pride to get her through the ebbs and flows of life. She always has a plan and is ready to defend that plan with a snarky reply. If that’s not Nedard...errr...Ned Yost, I dunno who it is.
Both serve as advisers to the ruler and as interpreters.
Salvador Perez/Bran Stark
Both have sat on the throne of their kingdom. They’ve both had some physical setbacks but once they rebound, they could be the key to future relevance/survival.
Martín Maldonado/Jeor Mormont
Both are seasoned veterans on the battle field, but are better suited for defense than offense. Jeor served as the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, defenders of the Wall. His time came to an end, but not before passing on wisdom and weapons to others, much like Maldonado is doing with the Royal’s young pitchers.
Cam Gallagher/Podrick Payne
He’s played a supporting role for most of his time in the spotlight, but when called upon Podrick shines brighter than dragon fire (Up top!). Likewise, Cam has mostly been a backup but who can forget his first major league hit coming in the form of a Grand Slam that earned Tim Brown of Shawnee, KS a $25,000 payday because it came in a Sonic Slam inning?
Lucas Duda/Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane
Men known for their power although they’ve seen better days. Duda began the year on a contending roster but now finds himself on the bubble of a rebuilding roster. We thought we had seen the last of him last year, but he was brought back at behest of many, much like a certain gold plated zombie doing Cersei’s dirty work.
Ryan O’Hearn/Sandor “The Hound” Clegane
Ryan O’Hearn seems to be from the same cloth as Lucas Duda. He’s making a name for himself once he was allowed to get out of their brother’s bigger shadow. Now his predecessor has returned and at some point, one of them has to go. Much like The Hound, he was left for dead and written off by many, but appeared out of nowhere and shows value for the future.
Frank Schwindel/Renley Baratheon
Many people are saying that Schwindel is the one true heir to first base, or at least a share of the right to rule. That opinion comes with a lot of legitimate arguments too. But “when you play the game of thrones, you win or you die”. It’s time to let Schwindel get a shot at taking the spot before a shadow monster gets to him.
Adalberto Mondesi/Jon Snow
He hails from a high house and he’s been written off multiple times. But he’s shown what he can do, only to stumble, and come back better and stronger. Now it looks like he’s the future of the Royals and our first shot at a legitimate superstar since George Brett.
Whit Merrifield/Arya Stark
They have many faces. They can be anything you want them to be and everything the bad guys DON’T want them to be. They can do just about anything and they can do it well. Both are ultimate weapons that we should be thankful to have on our side.
Hunter Dozier/Brienne of Tarth
Big. Blonde. Deceivingly fast and probably the strongest person in any given room. The question is, are they gonna get a chance to live up to their potential or are they both going to be limited by their own flaws; Brienne by the need to prop others up, Hunter by being inconsistent.
Chris Owings/Mace Tyrell
We all know WHY he’s here, but SHOULD he be here?
Jorge Soler/Theon Greyjoy
Like Theon, Soler is a cast-off from his founding great house and sent off to live and learn with the competition. Once it was his time to shine, he faltered and suffered some...bodily...harm. But he’s back and ready to prove himself. When it’s all said and done, he might be a very valuable part of the plan.
Alex Gordon/Jaime Lannister
Both were main pillars of former reigning families but both have seen better days. They’re still being relied upon and hold high positions, but if either played for different teams, they’d be cast aside by now. Still, they provide some value in their golden hands.
Billy Hamilton/Yara Greyjoy
Both of them have a large array of useful weapons but they’ll both always be held back by their surroundings. Yara will always have to fight the matriarchal cycle that has existed for centuries, while Hamilton will always be fighting to make it on base to truly use his tools. Still, they’ll both make their sides better by being around.
Terrance Gore/Oberyn “The Viper” Martell
Both are fan favorites that heavily rely on speed. Unfortunately for us, neither of them will play huge roles in the present and will probably leave us wondering why they were there at all.
The Night’s Watch
Danny Duffy/Jorah Mormont
Duffy and Sir Jorah are loyal, almost to a fault. Both signed on to a slow moving ship prior to that ship build steam and rise to the top. But they’ve both let us all down and fought their ways back into our good graces. They might not be the best weapon anymore, but they’ve got a lot of wisdom to pass on.
Brad Keller/Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, <Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Breath> Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regent of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons
Both came out of no where to throw fire at their enemies. Both are likely the future of their respective positional groups. Long may they reign!
They’re both men of few words but they go on doing their job, and they are good at their job. Both have suffered defeat but lived to fight on.
Homer Bailey/Stannis Baratheon
They both have a long history of being THE man. Both have been propped up and have the biggest case for leading the way. BUT...they’re both past their primes and they’re just looking for a shot to BE the man again.
CURSED IMAGE ALERT!! Both of these two are great assets. Both are lost and looking for answers in order to channel their true powers. If they do so, they’ll be game changers.
Brad Boxberger/Robb Stark
Boxberger would probably be the outright closer by now if he showed the capacity to hit the strike zone consistently. Similarly, Robb Stark would probably be on the Iron Throne if he just married one of the Frey daughters and kept his side piece like every other king on this show. Alas, both have failed to live up to their potential and leave us wondering what if. One of these two still has a shot at doing something special though.
Wily Peralta/The Night King
Wily has created just as many walkers as the Night King has...
Ian Kennedy/Sansa Stark
I mean...this one seems obvious. They’re both red heads and are usually covered in the finest wolf pelts. If that’s not enough for you, how about the fact that so much has been poured into them only to get next to nothing from them? Yeah, howbowdah?
Jake Diekman/Davos “The Onion Knight” Seaworth
Both are journeymen that are just trying to maintain in the world while seeking just a bit of redemption. I really hope that they find it, personally.
Kevin McCarthy/Tyene Sand
You might have trouble distinguishing Tyene from her other Sand sisters, but she’s dangerous. Go ahead and take “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World” lightly, she’ll put you under. Until, ya know, she is imprisoned and poisoned in front of her mother. Similarly, McCarthy seemed to be one of the best bullpen weapons coming into the season but failed to maintain and was demoted.
Tim Hill/Nymeria Sand
Another Sand sister of Dorn, but this one has a nasty whip similar to Hill’s submarine style delivery. Unfortunately, they were both sent down. Hopefully Hill finds his way back and learns how to “Whip-it good”.
Scott Barlow/Eddison Tollett
Both are unheralded players in the game and no one is real sure what to expect from them. But they’ve both ridden out some trying times and they’re still here. They’re both part of a rag-tag bunch and no one is sure what they’ll be in the end, but keep an eye on them.
Glenn Sparkman/Samwell Tarly
Both of these guys seem like they’ll always play the supporting role, which is still important. Neither of them were expected to be much, but they keep surprising us.
Richard Lovelady/Sir Bronn of the Blackwater
Bronn is one of the horniest characters in the show and Lovelady might have the horniest name of any player ever. But both are big weapons that easily became fan favorites. Excited to see what the game has in store for both of them.
Kyle Zimmer/Tyrion Lannister
Speaking of fan favorites, both of these guys are universally adored. They’re both formerly from prestige and had high expectations put upon them almost immediately. They’ve both had physical obstacles to overcome but both could become cornerstones to formidable forces, if only they could earn the trust of the powers that be...
Josh Staumont/Tormund Giantsbane
These guys have the raw tools to deal SO much damage. But they need to figure out how to harness that talent in order to become something great.
There you have it. Now that you know who is who, you can enjoy the game and premiere that much more. And good luck sleeping after seeing those images that you can’t un-see. If you only take one thing from this nonsense, it should be that...
“The night is dark and full of terrors.”