The best anagrams from the 2004-2006 Royals train wreck teams

My single favorite Kansas City Royal from the years 2004, 2005, and 2006 has to be Mark Redman, All-Star. You can never take that away from him. He made an All-Star team. This is because Major League Baseball requires every team to send a representative to the All-Star Game. Unfortunately, some teams suck so badly that they don’t even have one notable, above average player.

In 2005, Mike Sweeney made the All-Star game. This makes sense because Sweeney was a good baseball player. In 2004, Ken Harvey made the All-Star game, which made less sense because Harvey was a bad baseball player. But at the break, he was hitting .305/.353/.452, which was definitely respectable. Redman, on the other hand, had, I kid you not, a 5.27 ERA at the All-Star break. All-Star!

It is one thing to lose 100 games in back-to-back seasons less than five years removed from a pair of World Series appearances and a title. It is another thing to lose 100 games back-to-back-to-back two decades after the team’s last playoff appearance. Make no mistake: the 2018-2019 Royals were just as bad as the 2004-2006 Royals. But the 2018-2019 Royals can’t hold a candle to the utter nihilism and hopelessness that the 2004-2006 Royals exuded.

So let’s do something fun with them: anagrams! We’re in a pandemic and I’m lazy and I’m not going to explain why anagrams are a thing here at Royals Review, but just trust me that it’s a thing. If you’re asking yourself “why isn’t this a late-December offseason post,” well, I’m just spreading the fun out earlier. Surprise!

Here are some anagrams for some of those players. Enjoy. You can play along, too, at Wordsmith’s anagram generator.

Mark Grudzielanek

• Elder King Mazurka
• Kirk Glazed Manure
• Eardrum Glaze Kink
• Zen Kirk Drama Glue

Damn straight I’m leading with The Alphabet here. A mazurka is a fast Polish dance in ³⁄₄ time. The Elder King Mazurka sounds like a true classic in waiting.

Joey Gathright

• Hearty Goth Jig
• Great Thigh Joy
• Jigger Thy Oath

No player is perhaps more mid-2000s Royal than leaping Joey Gathright, whose anagrams are, for the most part, accurate to his career and general aesthetic.

Carlos Beltran

• Carnal Lobster
• Cornball Taser
• Ballet Rancor
• Ballast Corner

Look, I’ve looked up a lot of anagrams in my time at Royals Review, and Carnal Lobster is absolutely an S-tier nickname. Legend.

Mark Teahen

• Methane Ark
• Ham, Retaken
• Team Harken
• Anthem Rake

Remember that weird pregame show with Mark Teahen that used to be a thing? Yeah. He was pretty funny and has good anagrams, though.

Doug Mientkiewicz

• Wicked Gizmo Unite!
• Itemizing Cow Duke
• Encode Mug Kiwi Zit

All hail eastern European languages and the first name “Doug,” which produce some truly...unique? Anagrams. Let’s go with unique.

Brandon Duckworth

• Tank Rubdown Cord
• Dank Rubdown Torch
• Batch Dork Rundown

Meh, just like Mr. Duckworth himself.

Mike MacDougal

• Muck Limo Adage
• Muck Elm Adagio
• Mama Coke Guild
• Duke Gamma Coil

I feel like Mama Coke Guild is a rejected name for the Lollipop Guild, but looking back at what those kids looked like in the movie maybe it was a better name after all.

Angel Berroa

• Noel Barrage
• Algae Reborn
• Barge Loaner
• Earlobe Rang
• Boar General

Every once in a while, I’ll plug something into the anagram solver that I do not think will do well and the results blow me away. This certainly qualifies.

Jason Grimsley

Jasmine’s Glory

Joyless Margin

A Gremlin’s Joys

Sometimes punctuation makes all the difference (see Lo, Danger Ox). It makes Grimsley’s interesting when they would otherwise not be.