For just $100, you can have Whit Merrifield send you a personalized message

It’s beautiful outside and you’re chained to your obligations. I’m right there with you. But have no fear, I’ve got the cure for your office blues and it’s the website Cameo. Max Rieper brought it to this community in his Royals Review segment of the latest Royals Review Radio. My buddies and I discussed it on our podcast, Clearing Waivers, where we each used a $500 cap to draft four celebrities to deliver messages for us.

The concept is simple: you pay a “celebrity”/athlete/YouTube star/adorable animal to send a message to a person of your choosing. The price ranges vary depending on the level of celebrity you’re dealing with, or in some cases, what that celebrity thinks 30 seconds of their time is worth (Marlon and Shawn Wayans are $1,000 a piece lulz). So I dove into the endless abyss of stars to pull out some of the more noteworthy deals one can get and I’ve broken them down into three categories.

Category 1: Let’s get weird!

There are people on there that are barely hanging on to reality at any given moment. Maybe they decide to answer your Cameo at a time where they are really on one. This is where the real value lies to me. Anyone can say “Happy Birthday, Joe” but only these people can turn that message into a three minute long rant on why birthdays are really just a way for the government to control you. Here are a few examples:

Gary Busey ($350): This guy oozes positivity. All of his messages will leave you feeling uneasy but generally fantastic; a similar feeling to hearing your child’s blood curdling scream only to realize they’re just enjoying some play time. Gary is one of the more expensive celebs here, but he’s got the “it” factor.

Jose Canseco ($150): Most of the sample videos I watched of his were very tame and uninterested. But he’s got a LOT of potential to go off the rails.

Andy Dick ($99): His videos are usually 2-4 minutes long so you definitely get your money’s worth. That being said, they go off the rails preeeeeetty quickly.

Lenny Dykstra ($95): The way he introduces himself in his intro video is worth a gander in itself. It’s...something else. His video is going to be crude and NSFW so if that’s your thing, he’s your guy.

Dustin Diamond ($60): Screech from Saved by the Bell has lived quite a life. From acting next to goddess, Tiffani Amber Thiessen, to doing standup, to directing his own sex tape, to stabbing a guy with a broken bottle in a bar fight on Christmas Day. His intro video is very odd so I’m guessing his actual videos are also odd. (Side note: apparently they are rebooting Saved by the Bell and Zac Morris is the governor of California. MMMMMK)

Category 2: The Venus Fly-Trap

These are the celebs that, in theory, should be very worth their steep prices. In reality, you will be VERY disappointed in their message delivery, or they’re a depressing reminder that age/death comes for everyone, or the setting around them really paints a sad picture. Whatever the reason, they will more than likely leave you wanting a refund.

Criss Angel ($999): I mean, I’m no Mindfreak die-hard but I figured a famous magician doing a sweet magic trick while telling me to get well soon would be pretty cool. And he DOES include a video of his latest tricks from wherever he’s currently entertaining, but a cool $1,000 price tag for it when a ticket to the show is a fraction of that seems a bit overpriced.

Ric Flair ($500): I was never a big Ric Flair guy. I was #TeamSting from my early memories of wrasslin’. But Flair’s electricity on the mic is undeniable, so he’s a shoe-in for a great delivery, right?.

I mean, he tries to get there. He really does. But even if he was a reasonable price, I’d feel bad for asking him to get there, ya know? Like, grandma’s rolls (shoutout to grandma’s rolls!) are inimitable (shoutout Hamilton) but at some point she just can’t do it anymore and you need to stop expecting them.

Paul Reubens aka Pee-wee Herman ($250): This could most definitely hit you in the nostalgia bone and that bone is directly connected to your wallet bone. And Reubens knows where his bread is buttered, so he does his delivery using the same quirks a lot of us grew up with. The big issue I have is that he does it in a whisper for most of the message. Pee-wee crept up to the line of creepy as we remember him, but when he does his schtick in a low and soft voice, he jumps over that line like Mike Powell (current long jump world record holder; not on Cameo). It’s not for me and, arguably, shouldn’t be for anyone.

Category 3: Awesome Sauce

Dick Van Dyke ($500): I really thought that DVD was going to be in danger of landing in the Venus Fly-Trap category but when I started going through his videos, he’s still got it, dude. I mean his mind is still quick and the man still dances and makes jokes like he’s hopping around with a bunch of cartoon penguins in inexplicable drop crotch pants.

I don’t condone anyone spending $500 on paying an already rich person to wish them Happy Anniversary, but if I did, I would 100% tell you to go with DVD.

Erin Andrews ($250): I’m a fan of all sports and Erin Andrews is one of the best sideline reporters in the game. And she does a lot of her Cameos from the sideline, which adds a little something unique. I think her voice will eventually go down as one of the most recognizable when talking about sports journalism and $250 seems like a decent deal to me.

Ernie Hudson ($135): HE DOES ALL HIS VIDEOS IN HIS GHOSTBUSTERS JUMPSUIT! Sign me the hell right up!

Danica McKeller aka Winnie Cooper from Wonder Years ($120): Winnie Cooper was my first celebrity crush and I know I’m not alone here. She’s responsible for changing me from a boy to a boy with slightly altered priorities. Since then, she’s earned a bachelor’s degree from UCLA in mathematics and has made big-time efforts to encourage mathematics in middle and high school girls. I think getting a shoutout from her would be a tremendous honor, payment or not.

Larry Thomas aka “The Soup Nazi” ($60): I wasn’t a big fan of the show Seinfeld but even I know how epic “The Soup Nazi” was and the power of “No soup for you!” His super ambiguous accent only adds to the WTF-ery if you have a special message for some Seinfeld fan. And for $200, he’ll go get a chef’s coat and deliver the message for you. I’m not sold on that part of the deal but I’m sure it’d add something for big fans.

Santa ($10): This might be the peak deal of the whole thing! As a dad, if I could pay $10 to have a man that kinda looks like Santa give my daughter some Christmas spirit, I’m in. Santa also has done my favorite Cameo video to date. Someone got Santa to apologize to a Jewish boy for missing his bar mitzvah. I mean that’s some next level stuff right there.

There are some Royals on there!

Bo Jackson ($400): Good for you, Bo. Your career was shortened and you left some money on the table. Go on and get paid, dude. You deserve it.

Whit Merrifield ($100): For the star factor, this is a great deal. Whit is in the prime of his career and has become a household name across all of baseball. As far as entertainment value goes, I think you could spend your money a bit wiser. But to each their own.

Brett Phillips ($30): This is probably the exact opposite of the case for Whit. Brett is battling for a roster spot in Arizona right now (probably a lock) but he’s a very entertaining cat. $30 to get him to dance or laugh or smile while telling me “Hey Josh, good luck on your upcoming colonoscopy.” isn’t a bad way to spend money.

Conner Greene ($20): Sure.

MJ Melendez ($14): This is another good investment. MJ might be the next heir to the full-time catcher for the Royals after Salvy. So wouldn’t you wanna be responsible for some of his development by lining his pockets with some cold hard cash? $14 makes him a king at Chipotle and these minor league guys don’t make squat. Invest in the Royals’ future.

There are a ton of people in cameo’s talent pool. Who piques your interest and what message are you gonna have them deliver for you?

**Disclaimer: If you choose to jump into the website and browse their talent, you WILL lose 3-4 hours of your life. Enter at your own risk.**