Owners propose three-game season with unlimited bananas as compensation

New York, New York—Major League Baseball has put forward their newest proposal to the Major League Baseball Players Association regarding a truncated 2020 season due to the novel coronavirus (Covid-19). In this newest proposal, commissioner Rob Manfred and the owners have put their heads together and offered what is arguably their strongest plan yet.

Unlike previous plans, which have been varying flavors of the same proposal—what amounts to 33% of player salaries when compared to a full season—MLB is presenting a simpler plan that they believe is more in tune with what the MLBPA wants. The core components of a plan include a three-game season and the provision of unlimited bananas as compensation in lieu of what sources say MLB scoffs as “fair wages.”

Using their expansive knowledge of MLB players and their utter respect for fans of the game, sources say that MLB thought that the time was ripe for plantain-based compensation considering the stock market’s volatility and the owners’ desire to “make as much money as humanly possible.” The plan would also result in more playoff revenue, as a complicated series of tiebreakers would be necessary to make any sense of the season whatsoever—all of which would be considered playoff games.

Sources also indicate that the MLB proposal would feature additional wrinkles, such as the invocation of a lesser-known federal law that would force the NCAA to slash collegiate baseball programs by more than 75% in order to further cut down on a way for baseball players to make a living professionally, as well as a clause that stipulates the 2020 World Series trophy would be a papier-mâché construction in order to save additional money.

Early social media reactions continue to place pressure on players in order to accept the deal, lest the possibility of a real season be lost. One tweet by InfiniteVoid348 has accrued over 13,000 likes and 8,000 retweets and simply reads “bananas are dope come on players lets play ball.” Others say that the MLBPA would be “being greedy” if they didn’t accept the offer due to the rising costs of bananas and the fact that most people on earth don’t have access to unlimited bananas.

The MLBPA has yet to officially respond, but most agree that they will criticize MLB for their spotty record regarding player compensation and underwhelming offers.